I am learning to embrace my loss. I am familiar with the stages of grief. I learned all about this process of recovery at school some years ago and I've experienced the loss of a grand parent when I was sixteen years old. Like almost everyone else, my world was based on what I could see of it. Pretty flowers, blue skies, my baby's smile. My life was bright colors and sunshine. Like almost everyone else, my self worth is pretty much all about how I look when I walk out the front door each morning. This way of viewing the world is normal. This earth of ours is a wonderful place full of beautiful things to see and I have seen my fair share of it. For everyone even the thought of loosing something as close and personal as the ability to see this beauty is an unbelievable tragedy. I don't want to accept and I don't want to believe that this could happen to me, but it has. Denial is intoxicating. It protects us from having to face an unacceptable truth. For that whole first day afterward, I wouldn't acknowledge the fact that I was totally blind. I avoided this truth as long as I could. It was necessary for me to put my life on pause as I started the process of acceptance one minute at a time. Accepting my blindness is one thing. Embracing my new reality and being okay with it seems impossible. Who wants that. Not me. This is the stage of my grief where I am now. Little by little I am making progress. I will be okay.
As I lay here in my bed this morning thinking about the last few days, I know that I must count my blessings. One of my first thanks needs to go to those anonymous, nameless and talented people who developed this dictation software that I am using to write this message to you. Without it I would be lost with no practical way to communicate with my friends and followers. Without this large group of close friends holding my hand, it would be impossible to face this unexpected new direction for my life. I am encouraged, supported and some times pushed to make each new foot fall happen one step at a time on an continuous basis by a band of angels.
My newest angel named Destiny pulls and pushes me to deal with new obstacles that I am facing in groups of three. For example, Yesterday she pushed me to learn the number of steps and turns from this bed to the Lo down the hall; what keys to press on my laptop to start it up; going to the window, opening the blinds myself and letting the sun warm my face. Today we are going on a bus ride to the store. I think I'll be learning more then three new things today. With her help and guidance, I will not allow myself to remain stuck for long. My days as a sad helpless blind and bald woman will be short indeed if she has anything to do with it. She provides the brand of Tough Love that I need right now. Tomorrow my whole gang of angels are taking me to shop for new wigs and matching sunglasses for everyone including Cleo and Joseph. What fun.
Like receiving an early Christmas gift during my childhood, an unexpected surprise came to me. Soon after I awoke from that last procedure, Cleo and Joseph taught me how to feel, taste and listen in a new way. Cleo was hungry and grabbed for my right breast and started making loud sucking sounds that I don't remember ever hearing before. The next minute Joseph started moving around and kicking me in response to his brother's feeding time. When Cleo was finished with lunch, He suddenly reached up and kissed me on my lips allowing me to taste him as well as my breast milk at the same time. A blended taste of myself and my child. Never in my life have I felt more close to these two boys then this. The three of us in harmony, a team, my family together and very much alive and okay. I'll remember this closeness forever.
Four Weeks ago, my doctor told me that if I saw black, my eyesight could come back. After the last procedure, there is no black. No darkness and no light. What I experience now is a world full of sound, smells, touch and a kind of radar about where things are around me which I've never known about before. When I told him this he paused and said that it was necessary for him to remove more optic nerve tissue then originally planed. No visual information is transferring from my eyes to my brain now. My brain will adjust to this loss over time and re-wire itself, re-purposing the vision centers of my brain for different uses. My remaining senses of hearing, smell and touch will compensate for my loss of sight. I will grow more confident in my abilities to take in as much information about the world around me as I will need to live a normal life, within limitations. Destiny told me it was her responsibility to show me how to step beyond those limitations. She had to learn how to function in a sightless world because she is completely blind herself six years now. They are both right. I do seem more confident and that feeling of helplessness is slowly fading away each and every day.
My doctor shared with me that my old memories will gradually be replaced by new ones. Memories based on information my remaining senses provide to me for continuity. Memories with the visual references removed or replaced. The human brain throws away old information that no longer meets the new standards of referential logic which judge the usefulness of the information. The memory of a bright sunny day will change to a memory of the feeling of warmth on my face from a warm sun. The memory of colors will no longer be necessary to retain because they are not needed in my new world. As a gift from this transformation my brain will also relieve me of a feeling of grief for that loss of those old visual elements. New insight into my future that I didn't know before. My memories of my sons will be based on every detail or nonce of how they sound, smell or feel at all those eventful times at that given moment. Clues like breathing rate, sweet or sour smells, a feeling of heat, dampness or coldness coming off their bodies and a new sense of knowing how they think and react to things will make up the essence of their story. I now know that I wont miss how Cleo looked the last moment I saw him some day. Music and song will bring a vast new reality to me. A meaningful story filled with new details I didn't have time for and never appreciated before now without the distraction of a visual clutter.
What will the future be like and how will I contribute to it? First of all I need to be as healthy as I can, provide for my family and maybe make a difference for other blind and bald people with my talents and training in some way. Another voice of positive support for other people like me is needed out there. My neighbor's daughter Constance did a search on the web and found hardly anything of worth out there for blind people to use at all. There is no real positive messages or compassionate guide out there at the moment. This is where an opportunity to be of help is waiting. Where do people like me go to get help now? Constance has asked if she can help research this current information stream for me as part of a term paper she needs to do for her sociology class. I asked her to approach the issue as a blind woman would with all her needs and wants in mind which would be different then a blind man's. I gave her my list of concerns as a guide. In this looks oriented society, women face a lot of challenges and prejudice. A blind and bald woman would face a much bigger barrier. We are such a rare lot. I think that I'm the only one in all of Tasmania. Maybe I would have a unique perspective to bring. A nice wig, a pair of fashionable dark glasses and a white walking cane are a start for any blind and bald woman. I am soon to discover what else I will need to bring with me as I face my future.
How will the future affect my marriage with Michael? My Health issues have brought a lot of strain to my relationship with him these last months with him away on business. When he learned I was going blind I knew things between us were different and may never be the same again. How could it be. I am a changed woman, different then the girl he married. He left me a long message on a recording last week that said that he will always love that person he fell in love with and that he will always provide everything necessary for my care. The message that even he didn't know he left was that he was talking about two separate women. My biggest fear is that He means well and honestly cares for me but loves another Sarah that has gone forever. This may mean that I will need to find that lost personal bond some other way. Time will tell. A healing of that closeness will take a careful nurturing and commitment from the both of us. I am confident he will always provide for his family, love his children and that thin blonde he married a little more then a year ago. I am hopeful that we can someday be close again in what ever way possible.
Even with this past terrible year soon behind me, I count my blessings. I thank my close circle of friends and family, I wait in anticipation for the arrival of my second son; and I am truly grateful for all the support my extended followers of my blog have showered me with. Your love has warmed my heart. I promise not to disappoint you in this new year. New things will be coming that reflect this change in my life for you to consider usable in yours. New followers may find my new perspective valuable. We will discover new avenues and uses for a positive approach to life on life's terms in the coming months together. And before I forget to say it. Thank you so much Marion for filling in for me when I wasn't able to speak for myself. We are of the same mind my dear friend. I know we will enjoy a lasting partnership. There is a lot of positive energy between the two of us to share with this world. To everyone listening in on this conversation, This is me, Sarah, and I may indeed have a few dents and scratches. I need the nurturing, love and laughter that anyone would. I will proceed forward from here with my new life as is, reaching out, searching for the kind of happiness that we all deserve.
Sarah 
My latest pictures.
The next day I went out walking again. My world is expanding outward as I explore my new world with new confidence. I can do this!
