No more Darkness, no more Light

I am learning to embrace my loss. I am familiar with the stages of grief. I learned all about this process of recovery at school some years ago and I've experienced the loss of a grand parent when I was sixteen years old. Like almost everyone else, my world was based on what I could see of it. Pretty flowers, blue skies, my baby's smile. My life was bright colors and sunshine. Like almost everyone else, my self worth is pretty much all about how I look when I walk out the front door each morning. This way of viewing the world is normal. This earth of ours is a wonderful place full of beautiful things to see and I have seen my fair share of it. For everyone even the thought of loosing something as close and personal as the ability to see this beauty is an unbelievable tragedy. I don't want to accept and I don't want to believe that this could happen to me, but it has. Denial is intoxicating. It protects us from having to face an unacceptable truth. For that whole first day afterward, I wouldn't acknowledge the fact that I was totally blind. I avoided this truth as long as I could. It was necessary for me to put my life on pause as I started the process of acceptance one minute at a time. Accepting my blindness is one thing. Embracing my new reality and being okay with it seems impossible. Who wants that. Not me. This is the stage of my grief where I am now. Little by little I am making progress. I will be okay.

As I lay here in my bed this morning thinking about the last few days, I know that I must count my blessings. One of my first thanks needs to go to those anonymous, nameless and talented people who developed this dictation software that I am using to write this message to you. Without it I would be lost with no practical way to communicate with my friends and followers. Without this large group of close friends holding my hand, it would be impossible to face this unexpected new direction for my life. I am encouraged, supported and some times pushed to make each new foot fall happen one step at a time on an continuous basis by a band of angels.

My newest angel named Destiny pulls and pushes me to deal with new obstacles that I am facing in groups of three. For example, Yesterday she pushed me to learn the number of steps and turns from this bed to the Lo down the hall; what keys to press on my laptop to start it up; going to the window, opening the blinds myself and letting the sun warm my face. Today we are going on a bus ride to the store. I think I'll be learning more then three new things today. With her help and guidance, I will not allow myself to remain stuck for long. My days as a sad helpless blind and bald woman will be short indeed if she has anything to do with it. She provides the brand of Tough Love that I need right now. Tomorrow my whole gang of angels are taking me to shop for new wigs and matching sunglasses for everyone including Cleo and Joseph. What fun.

Like receiving an early Christmas gift during my childhood, an unexpected surprise came to me. Soon after I awoke from that last procedure, Cleo and Joseph taught me how to feel, taste and listen in a new way. Cleo was hungry and grabbed for my right breast and started making loud sucking sounds that I don't remember ever hearing before. The next minute Joseph started moving around and kicking me in response to his brother's feeding time. When Cleo was finished with lunch, He suddenly reached up and kissed me on my lips allowing me to taste him as well as my breast milk at the same time. A blended taste of myself and my child. Never in my life have I felt more close to these two boys then this. The three of us in harmony, a team, my family together and very much alive and okay. I'll remember this closeness forever.

Four Weeks ago, my doctor told me that if I saw black, my eyesight could come back. After the last procedure, there is no black. No darkness and no light. What I experience now is a world full of sound, smells, touch and a kind of radar about where things are around me which I've never known about before. When I told him this he paused and said that it was necessary for him to remove more optic nerve tissue then originally planed. No visual information is transferring from my eyes to my brain now. My brain will adjust to this loss over time and re-wire itself, re-purposing the vision centers of my brain for different uses. My remaining senses of hearing, smell and touch will compensate for my loss of sight. I will grow more confident in my abilities to take in as much information about the world around me as I will need to live a normal life, within limitations. Destiny told me it was her responsibility to show me how to step beyond those limitations. She had to learn how to function in a sightless world because she is completely blind herself six years now. They are both right. I do seem more confident and that feeling of helplessness is slowly fading away each and every day.

My doctor shared with me that my old memories will gradually be replaced by new ones. Memories based on information my remaining senses provide to me for continuity. Memories with the visual references removed or replaced. The human brain throws away old information that no longer meets the new standards of referential logic which judge the usefulness of the information. The memory of a bright sunny day will change to a memory of the feeling of warmth on my face from a warm sun. The memory of colors will no longer be necessary to retain because they are not needed in my new world. As a gift from this transformation my brain will also relieve me of a feeling of grief for that loss of those old visual elements. New insight into my future that I didn't know before. My memories of my sons will be based on every detail or nonce of how they sound, smell or feel at all those eventful times at that given moment. Clues like breathing rate, sweet or sour smells, a feeling of heat, dampness or coldness coming off their bodies and a new sense of knowing how they think and react to things will make up the essence of their story. I now know that I wont miss how Cleo looked the last moment I saw him some day. Music and song will bring a vast new reality to me. A meaningful story filled with new details I didn't have time for and never appreciated before now without the distraction of a visual clutter.

What will the future be like and how will I contribute to it? First of all I need to be as healthy as I can, provide for my family and maybe make a difference for other blind and bald people with my talents and training in some way. Another voice of positive support for other people like me is needed out there. My neighbor's daughter Constance did a search on the web and found hardly anything of worth out there for blind people to use at all. There is no real positive messages or compassionate guide out there at the moment. This is where an opportunity to be of help is waiting. Where do people like me go to get help now? Constance has asked if she can help research this current information stream for me as part of a term paper she needs to do for her sociology class. I asked her to approach the issue as a blind woman would with all her needs and wants in mind which would be different then a blind man's. I gave her my list of concerns as a guide. In this looks oriented society, women face a lot of challenges and prejudice. A blind and bald woman would face a much bigger barrier. We are such a rare lot. I think that I'm the only one in all of Tasmania. Maybe I would have a unique perspective to bring. A nice wig, a pair of fashionable dark glasses and a white walking cane are a start for any blind and bald woman. I am soon to discover what else I will need to bring with me as I face my future.

How will the future affect my marriage with Michael? My Health issues have brought a lot of strain to my relationship with him these last months with him away on business. When he learned I was going blind I knew things between us were different and may never be the same again. How could it be. I am a changed woman, different then the girl he married. He left me a long message on a recording last week that said that he will always love that person he fell in love with and that he will always provide everything necessary for my care. The message that even he didn't know he left was that he was talking about two separate women. My biggest fear is that He means well and honestly cares for me but loves another Sarah that has gone forever. This may mean that I will need to find that lost personal bond some other way. Time will tell. A healing of that closeness will take a careful nurturing and commitment from the both of us. I am confident he will always provide for his family, love his children and that thin blonde he married a little more then a year ago. I am hopeful that we can someday be close again in what ever way possible.

Even with this past terrible year soon behind me, I count my blessings. I thank my close circle of friends and family, I wait in anticipation for the arrival of my second son; and I am truly grateful for all the support my extended followers of my blog have showered me with. Your love has warmed my heart. I promise not to disappoint you in this new year. New things will be coming that reflect this change in my life for you to consider usable in yours. New followers may find my new perspective valuable. We will discover new avenues and uses for a positive approach to life on life's terms in the coming months together. And before I forget to say it. Thank you so much Marion for filling in for me when I wasn't able to speak for myself. We are of the same mind my dear friend. I know we will enjoy a lasting partnership. There is a lot of positive energy between the two of us to share with this world. To everyone listening in on this conversation, This is me, Sarah, and I may indeed have a few dents and scratches. I need the nurturing, love and laughter that anyone would. I will proceed forward from here with my new life as is, reaching out, searching for the kind of happiness that we all deserve.

​Sarah ​

My latest pictures.

 

Here I'm just about ready to venture out the door to get some sun on my face with Destiny holding my hand to keep me from getting into trouble.  I'm getting better with my new cane and I just need more practice on my own.





The next day I went out walking again. My world is expanding outward as I explore my new world with new confidence. I can do this!

On Christmas Eve, my best friend Layla and I went out to a diner close to home for lunch. It was one of the best meals I have eaten in a long time. We talked and laughed till our sides ached. Than we laughed some more.

7 lessons I learned from facing my fear

I've never been the type to think of facing fears as a good thing to do, but I discovered last week that doing what scares you really will have some positive benefits.

Last week I was faced with a few situations that made me nervous. I'm talking palm-sweating, heart-pounding nervous. It was the kind of nervous that transformed itself into fear, and my mind was racing with the various ways I could possibility avoid the situations, trying to rationalize how avoidance might, in fact, be the best option. (As you probably know: avoidance is rarely the best option.) As much as I tried to convince myself that maybe avoidance would be better than facing the fear, I managed to push through the fear and do what I needed to do — and it was so worth it. (A big thanks to my friends Layla, Dani, and Leelee, who didn't let me get away with the avoidance nonsense I was desperately trying to rationalize!)

Facing my fear wasn't easy by any means (I'm not naturally a courageous person), but being brave was incredibly rewarding. In the span of a week, I did a few things I was quite afraid to do and — cliche as it sounds — I came out on the other side stronger, braver, and wiser.

Each fear-inducing appointment I faced didn't pan out exactly as planned and the news wasn't all good so it wasn't as if I felt brave because everything worked out in the end. I felt brave and stronger just for facing my fear — for picking up the phone, for going to the appointments, for doing the things that made my heart pound so hard I thought it might jump from my chest, for choosing not to run when I really wanted to.

Facing multiple fears in one week certainly got me thinking about how much of a positive experience it can be to take on the things you're afraid to do. Here are some of the lessons I learned first-hand this week:

IT WILL GET SCARIER THE LONGER YOU WAIT.

One of the most important things I learned is this: the longer you put something off, the scarier it gets. The fears I had to face last week weren't urgent issues so I did what I could to put them off instead of tackling them immediately. I wasted time discussing with my friends how I could avoid these situations instead of just doing it. And that only made it worse. The longer I waited, the more time I had to think about what could happen and that only increased the anxiety. Lesson learned? Don't wait. Face that fear right away.

IT CAN BE HELPFUL TO HAVE A PLAN IN PLACE.

Not all fear-inducing situations can be conquered with a plan in place, but, if possible, I'd highly recommend having a plan in place. Know what you want to say or do. Envision how you'd like the conversation or interaction to go. This won't guarantee that things will go perfectly (life is unpredictable like that), but it will help ease your mind as you prepare to face your fear, and really, the worst thing about fear is what it does to your mind. If you can take control of some aspect of the unknown, it can make it easier to be brave.

IT MIGHT TURN OUT BETTER THAN YOU THOUGHT.

As much as I tried to stay positive while facing my fears, my mind definitely dragged itself to a negative place, imagining all the things that might go wrong. I was worried that things wouldn't go well — which is why I wanted to avoid it in the first place — but you know what? In at least one situation, things went much better than I thought they would and all of that worrying was for nothing. It's important to remember that life can surprise you with some good things when you're least expecting it.

IT HELPS TO THINK OF WORST + BEST CASE SCENARIOS.

Though it helps to know that things can go better than expected, I also found it helpful to consider the worst and best case scenarios. Considering the worst case scenario is a good way to remind yourself that even if things go terribly wrong, you'll still be just fine. (Also keep in mind this question: "Will this matter five years from now?") Considering the best case scenario is a good way to motivate yourself to face that fear. If the best thing happens, look at all you'll have to gain!

IT IS OKAY TO BE A BIT UNCOMFORTABLE.

One of the reasons I'm not a particularly brave person is because I don't enjoy being uncomfortable or feeling awkward. I usually avoid it at all costs. But last week I learned that, even though it doesn't feel great, it's okay to be uncomfortable. It's okay not to feel completely in control of a situation or be able to predict the outcome. I'm not, by any means, going to put myself in awkward situations on a daily basis now, but I learned that I can be uncomfortable and still be okay.

IT WILL SURPRISE YOU HOW BRAVE YOU CAN BE.

The best lesson I learned — by far — was how amazing it felt to actually do something I was afraid of doing. Even though my palms were still sweating and my heart was still pounding, after I did what I was scared to do, I was so proud of myself. I was able to look at myself in the mirror and think, I am brave. For someone not naturally courageous, like myself, this was a BIG deal. I would have expected me to find clever avoidance tactic, but instead I was brave. I surprised myself, and that's a pretty cool feeling.

IT MAKES FUTURE BRAVERY EASIER.

I rarely do really brave things, but last week I did multiple brave things. One of the reasons that was, I think, is because acting bravely made me feel braver. It was like positive reinforcement for my soul. When I tackled a new scary situation, I was able to remind myself of how brave I'd been previously and that made it easier to keep moving forward to face new fears. Every time I faced a fear, I thought to myself, I could do anything right now! The braver you are, the braver you'll continue to be.

Facing fears is incredibly difficult — believe me, I know how scary it can be — but last week I learned just how powerful it can be. Doing what I was really scared to do changed me. It strengthened me in ways I wouldn't have expected. So if there's something you're scared to do, something you've been avoiding, I recommend doing it. I can't say it will be easy to push past the fear, but I can say that it will be worth it. Whatever it is you're scared to do, do it.

 

A strong sense of help can help you when it comes to tackling fears. The more you know about yourself, the more confident you'll feel and the easier it is to take on your fears. You can discover more about yourself and what matters to you by downloading a copy of Finding Yourself: A Soul-Searching Workbook for Surprising Self Discovery. Filled with inspiration, questions, and activities to get you thinking about what it means to be you, Finding Yourself is a must for learning more about who you are and about what matters most to you. Learn more about the workbook here and purchase your very own soul-searching copy here.

Love Sarah xx

Hello Tasmania!

Cleo and I walk off of our plane at Hobart's Airport after a three hour flight. My first impression is how much cooler the climate is here then back in Brisbane. Good friends greet us to our new city with welcoming smiles. I get a quick tour of the city on the way to our new home. I open the front door to my adorable new house when a pleasant smell of fresh lavender fills my lungs. I think I'm going to like my new place. Cleo is laughing happily in my arms as we check out each room. After my good friend Leelee serves us our dinner and says her goodbye, we both quickly drop off to sleep tired from the flight. 
My first full day here in Hobart has been a very busy one. With all the unpacking involved in this new house, I haven't had a minute to adventure outside. Cleo has been a holy Heller all day running from room to room, playing and hiding behind boxes. It was a good idea to send boxes of cloths for the both of us before we arrived. Doing all of this by myself has been very tough but I think I have things pretty much ready. The Pods container is due to be delivered in around two weeks with the rest of our personal things I saved. At that time the real unpacking begins. Considering everything happening in my life, This has been a very positive move in the right direction for my whole family. I can't wait for Michael to join us here and experience this new city and our new home as a complete family. 
I will miss my life back in Brisbane but I know that this is just a turning of the page in my life story. New and wonderful adventures involving the lives of my family will fill this new page. I can't wait to experience the next thing coming up.

Sarahxx



My new house

My first breakfast in my new home

Cleo has his morning breakfast with me